Sometimes I have a lot of motivation, and other times I don’t.  I am also more emotional than most people.  However, these characteristics are part of my personality, and I am happier with them than without them.  If my moods ever take over my life again, I have no problem with going back on medication. 
Angela - Never let anyone tell you that you will always be ill

My run-ins with depression started in my teens. I wanted to curl up as small as I could and disappear. For some reason the thought of dying never occurred to me. 
Sue - Dark to Light and Back Again

Under close observation for ten weeks, I received the diagnosis of bipolar disorder for the first time in my life, after having seen dozens of therapists over the years. 
Robert- Acceptance

Before I got this illness treated, I got angry very quickly. If you even looked at me, I would snap, although I didn’t mean to.
Tabatha - Beginning a new life

There is hope, but it is hard to recognize at first.  But, I am so glad I made my way through all this and hope others can do so, too.
Micki - Drinking and Moods

My advice is this: Take your medication and don't be too hard on yourself for wasting so many years and don’t wallow in self pity. 
Paul - To the more cynical among us

One time during a big manic episode I had the impulse to drive cross country from Utah back to New York City with only gas money, no where to live, no food, no extra clothes, and no real contacts because I had angered all the friends I used to have there.
Donald - I slept in Central Park

I’m grateful for all this because it made me stronger. I learned life lessons at a young age that I will know forever. Some people don't learn these lessons until they’re much older. Some people never learn them.
Michelle - A Teen Trying to Live

Green walls and locked rooms flooded my mind. I was all alone, but safe from myself. The people cared; they wanted to know my story. They begged me to tell them why. And I don’t know why, only that something is wrong and I cannot fix it alone.
Linda - Human yo-yo ***May trigger***

I had years of psychiatric treatment, and was given almost every diagnosis imaginable.  In the last nine or ten years, psychiatrists have told me I have all the symptoms of bipolar disorder.
Marilyn - Faith Keeps Me Going

As a child I can remember feeling so angry I wanted to hurt myself and others, I felt so depressed that I wanted to die and believed life wasn't worth living.  As I grew up, I suffered psychoses.  I was afraid and sometimes I didn't know why.   
Christina - The First Step

I wish I could have lived a life free of chronic pain, mood swings, and major depression.  But I am me and that isn’t.
Ray - My Life is Mine and I Value It

Waking up 800 miles away and not really knowing how to get home wasn’t fun at all. 
Bob - Tough Guy with a Big Heart

I ran six miles on a busy highway, giving the peace sign to every passing car because I thought God had called me to spread peace throughout the world.  A day later I told my mother that my brother was an impostor.  I didn't believe that he was who he said he was.
Marie - The Medicine Cabinet

When I was growing up, I think my manic episodes were curbed within the excitement of being on the field, playing any sport.  I believe now, looking back, sports were a comfortable way of getting the energy out." 
Steve, "Ball and Bipolar"

My energy also went toward teaching our junior choir songs to sing in church that were popular with the peace movement, but not appropriate for church.  I sat up at night writing poetry, which I considered essential to the Catholic Ecumenical movement.  My mind was going non-stop.  At one point I asked for a secretary to take dictation of all my grandiose ideas.  This was the action that got me escorted to the infirmary and later to the hospital.
Sister Jean, Beyond Joy - A life with bipolar disorder

I felt like I was different and special – someone with a superhuman calling and mission. Someday, I would create the most compelling novels/poetry/songs/art or do something else brilliant. The difference between my desires and what I actually achieved has been a major source of pain for me.
Colleen, Enough already

As a teen I was in and out of treatment for depression. I can’t even begin to count the number of counselors I went to. I tried to commit suicide several times and thought about it all the time. I could never shake the feeling that I would be better off not around any more.
Geena, Taking the meds and keeping the faith

During all this time, my spiritual life cycled as quickly as my emotions.  It confuses me to this day as to whether it is okay for my illness to affect my relationship with God, or if I should be completely devoted regardless of the way I feel.  
Hollie, Find just one thing that makes life worth living

I felt like nothing could touch me.  I was using drugs, having sex with both men and women, and drinking alcohol like each day was my last.  I felt high.  I felt a connection with God.  I felt that my world was another dimension, separate from any reality that I knew existed.  My world was far from everyone else's and I felt comfortable in it. Regardless of all this, I had never felt as alone as I felt then.  
Korey, Life will get better

"I started robbing people and houses when I was 12.  I was also doing hard drugs and drinking a lot.  To this day, I can’t explain how I felt. The word pain is only the beginning."  
Louis, Always and forever, this is who I am

I noticed when I walked to the car at the end of the day that I felt a bit shaky and light headed, which worsened as I drove home.  I felt like I had an accelerator in me and someone was pushing it - just like a car.  I could feel the adrenaline rushing in me. 
Mary - Time to face my illness

"I have been to my own personal hell and lived to talk about it. I’m not saying I’m cured, there is no such thing. But, after so long I have learned how to manage my illness, and I want to say that it is possible."
Rhea, I know how it is to feel alone

"It is hard to cope some days, but I know I have to survive. I am learning to love myself, love life, love living, and have hope. I am trying to stop denying that I have a mental illness and MOST IMPORTANTLY – STAY WITH MY TREATMENT!"
Angela, Learning to live

"I had managed to block my illness out, and I self-medicated with alcohol.  Eventually I left that company for other jobs, bought a house and moved in with a woman I truly loved.  All that time, I was in a downward spiral. "
Sean, Stay the course

"I put my story into words so that others can read that they do not have to be ashamed and that the pain can be taken away.  I want to help people and reach out to others suffering with similar problems, but I don’t know how to help."
Arthur, The world will NOT be a better place without you

"I believe that I have unipolar manic disorder even though that is not an official diagnosis in the DSM-IV.  It makes sense to me.  My experiences with this illness all involve things like mania and hyperactivity, hyperthyroidism, and other words with prefixes like hyper, over, above, high, extra."
Gwen, Keeping life from going over the edge

"I couldn't live with myself anymore.  Laughing one minute.  Crying the next.  Unfaithful acts in my marriage due to untreated manic hypersexuality.  I know that I would have gotten divorced if I hadn’t gotten help."
Jessie, Faith and an angry teenager

"I do love my life, because there is good even with the pain.  When I am depressed I write poetry that is hauntingly beautiful.  It is like down there with all the pain there is some good that wants to come out."
Shelly, Something to hide

"As time went on I would no longer ask myself if mania would happen again.  I just wondered when would it happen again.  I wondered how many more times I could say, “I’m sorry” to the people I cared about.  The words no longer meant anything except the quiet before another storm."
Tom, Beauty and the Beast

"So, for about four more years I went from one treatment to another, all the while having manic episodes that I thought were just immoral activity. I suffered deep guilt and shame for the things that I did when manic and the depressions that followed made the pain horrible to deal with."
Megan, Moving On

"I have stayed alive for my son. How could a child, even a grown child, understand a mother who would take her life? How would he learn to accept it, even knowing that I’ve had this illness for years? Could he ever understand that for me, it was only an end to the pain that I desired? Could he ever believe that if I truly loved him as I do that I could leave him without a mother?"
Kathy, Depression- the black demon

"I am 31 and I have 3 kids. Two years ago they were taken away from me. I was taking five different medications at high doses, and they weren’t keeping my symptoms under control. I was drinking, going out dancing all night and having many sexual partners all the time."
Jessica, Taking care of myself

"Today I'm 22 and in college. I'm an English major and have published several poems. I was even president of the Student Advisory Board. I believe that if you don't fight the disease and work with it, you can be as successful as you want to be. I learned not to live behind a morbid facade, but to live a fruitful life by being me."
Jenna, This is me

"Every clinician that I saw came to the same conclusion: Depression. I continued to take many different antidepressants and they all seemed to work at first and then they would just seem to stop working. On more than one occasion, I became very discouraged and decided to stop counseling and medication."
Ellen, The right diagnosis at last

"I faintly remember my brother screaming at me when I was 24 saying, "Are you trying to kill yourself? If you keep this up you'll be dead by the time you're 30!" And by the time I turned 29 I literally wanted to die. My body couldn’t take the strain I was putting on it. My heart was always pounding as if someone had locked me on an amusement park ride and wouldn’t let me off. The adrenaline made me giddy and high and I felt I could do anything, but once the excitement ended I felt depressed."
Desiree, Rushing and crashing

"As a teenager, I was an over-achieving, intelligent, talented and active girl. But there was another side of me that very much affected my life. I was also a self-loathing, angry, confused, acid-mouthed monster. I had major problems with my family, friends and boyfriends, and my father’s major depressive illness didn’t help my situation."
Becky, Young and recovering

"I have bipolar disorder along with anxiety/panic attacks. My disorder started during my childhood and my family did not understand me or know how to handle me. It was assumed that I was just an intentionally disobedient child."
Angel, There is hope and help

"I’m now on a new medication and it is helping. I’m scared and frustrated by the time needed to adjust and every day I wonder if I can keep working."
Alison, Learning to Live with Myself

"I stayed at a friend’s house that night. Before I went to bed I sent out about a dozen e-mails to friends and family explaining that a war was coming and they should be prepared. I also felt that the computer was sending me messages telling me I had millions of dollars and I didn’t need to worry about money."
Jennie, A teen episode

"I raised my self-esteem and had energy and confidence that I thought would surely allow me to pursue a relationship with a woman. After all, I reasoned, my troubles had to be the result of my insecurity over not having a life."
Ray, Managing my mind

"I could usually calm down enough to focus around four in the morning so I could get my homework done or cram for a test. At that time, I didn't know anything about manic-depressive illness and apparently, neither did the doctors who treated me."
Tina, Dealing with the loss of manic episodes

"My brain was on fast-forward and I couldn't control it. I felt like I was on an incredible caffeine high. A friend of mine in recovery from alcoholism and addiction said I sounded like she used to when she was on cocaine. I also lost track of conversations and couldn’t remember what I had just been talking about. I, someone who valued the use of my brain, no longer had control over it."
Victoria, No longer in fear and isolation

"I was self-medicating with marijuana, but when I started therapy I stopped smoking it. Since I’ve stopped, I am really aware of myself and my behavior. I am starting to realize that if I don't do something to help myself get healthy –and do it now - I will never have the life I deserve."
Talia, Hope for a better tomorrow

"I was trying to get better but I wasn’t taking the right medications. They made me sleep almost all day long. Just one month before my family and I came back to Mexico City, to re-start a new life and job, my wife found a good doctor in Houston and I started taking new medications. The change was just great. I felt "normal" again very quickly."
Carlos, Giving back the help that I received

"I went to see my regular doctor saying that I had an earache. (I did, but it wasn't that bad.) The doctor stepped in. "So, this visit wasn't really for the earache, was it?" she asked. I shook my head blushing, nervous to tell her my story, but it was too late to turn back. I began by stuttering out something. She took that quite well. I then felt panic, and pain like I’ve never felt before."
Lana, Answers to lifelong questions

"The manic times are the hardest for me to accept and the hardest on my loved ones, especially my husband. When I am revved up, he is my enemy, in my mind. But it is not true. It's just my manic, distorted perception of reality.  In truth, my husband is a loving and patient man who has stood by me and cared for me through my own ups and downs as well as life's normal ups and downs."
Jo, Doing all I can to be well and stay well

"To find out you have bipolar can be a really huge relief when you have been living for years without knowing you can live a normal happy life."
Audra, Living with Bipolar

"After six years of highs and lows, six years of just trying to breathe, it only took my doctor a half-hour to tell me what was wrong. I was sad. I was angry. I still am. But, I'm also hopeful, and I wasn't before."
Louise, "I'm Not Crazy."

"For a long time I was embarrassed to talk to friends and family about how I was feeling, but I’m not anymore. I tell them honestly, yes I have suicidal thoughts, but they are only thoughts. I don't know if they will ever go away, but I will not act on them."
Joy, I can and will have a better life

"It's hard to deal with having bipolar at times. There are days I just wish it would go away. It's VERY hard to concentrate at times. But therapy is great. Talking about how I’m feeling and finding out ways to deal with it all, works wonders."
Rochelle, Proud to be dealing with it

"After years of trying to find the right treatment, stopping medication on my own, struggling with eating disorders, and living through many ups and downs, I found a doctor who listened to me and a treatment that worked."
Gayle, The high cost of my illness

"My illness, Bipolar II Disorder, is sometimes very tough to diagnose. Even though I don’t have full-on manic episodes, I still travel the full scope of the "mood rainbow." I still have my highs, or hypomanic episodes, where I appear to have boundless energy and self-confidence."
Cassie, Bipolar II Disorder and Me

"Today I understand the importance of staying on my meds and getting regular blood level tests. Unfortunately, I lost my child, a college education, and a very good job... Now I only have to rebuild from all of the damage that has been done, and I am certain I will succeed."
Anita,Rebuilding from damage done

"I would read the Bible day and night and was convinced I was the One. I then went to a Catholic Church and preached in front of a whole crowd... I still have nightmares about all of this. I'm embarrassed to go out in my town. This all happened 6 months ago and was one of the worst experiences of my life. Now I'm stable, but I still feel depressed. I think the only thing I'm really afraid of is my mind. It's still a struggle everyday, but it helps to know that I'm not alone."
Jayne, My struggles with bipolar disorder

"I was a very ill person. I now see the light and have my thoughts and opinions clear. I don't have normal cycles. I have my bad days once in a while. But I can be around people, and people can be around me. I never had that before. I am very clear now and think like an experienced person."
Chris. Nobody ever gave up on me.

"Everything was great. I was really getting into shape - almost the best shape of my life. I was feeling extremely bright. Answers would come out of my mouth without any thought. I spoke extremely fast. I never completed a thought. I had non-stop energy...
I hadn't noticed that part of me wasn't really healthy. I also hadn't noticed that I had been eating less and less..."
Jill, The gift of awareness

"One day they decided to try me on bipolar disorder medication... At first it was no picnic with the throwing up and sweats. But then the side effects evened out and I began to feel better. I gained some weight. But if I exercise and watch what I eat it’s manageable."  
Tammy, Struggling with medication, finding myself again

"I'm still in the process of recovery and learning to live with my illness. I still have periods of refusing to take my medications, or not being able to leave my house, or spending money on anything for any reason, or not having any type of sleep routine, and I still hope for a cure."
Heather, being "normal"

"Today, my mother and I are both working on our relationship with medications. We now have a much better understanding of ourselves and our illness. For any family out there that thinks that they can't change a whole lifetime of misunderstanding, hang in there, it can happen!"
Bridget,  A family is diagnosed

"After my second hospital stay, I was so scared. I had so many questions. What will my life be like? Who can I vent my feelings to? What should I do about the anger? Why can’t those who love me just understand? What will each day will bring? Will ever feel "ok," like people who don’t have this illness do?"
Eileen, A work in progress

"It has been a rough ride. I attempted suicide a few times and was admitted to the psychiatric ward. Sometimes, during a depressed cycle, I feel hopeless and I get angry that I cannot lead a "normal" life and I fear that my children are the ones being hurt the most. They are now being evaluated for bipolar disorder, too. But I am taking it day by day, and trying to learn to cope and do the best I can with the hand I was dealt."
Gerri, Learning to cope

"I still get frustrated when things don’t go well. I still "veg out" on the couch from time to time or sleep in. I still work long days. I still like to go on long runs through the wilderness with my dog. The difference now is, I’m the one who decides when to work, relax or get crazy. And when I want to stop, I can stop. I’m finally behind the wheel and have control over my highs and lows. I have control over my life. Best of all, I get at least eight hours of sleep every night."
Elisa, Finding answers and peace

"I held the same job for 11 years, but after my symptoms became severe, I switched jobs every 1 1/2 years. During 7 difficult years of treatment I took over 8 kilograms of medications including mood stabilizers, anticonvulsants, antidepressants, and antipsychotics."
Bryan, Humility and gratitude for family

"I would run from place to place, all over the country, abandoning my family and children during both manic and depressed cycles, only to return to them, expecting open arms and immediate acceptance for what I had done. I’m grateful that, with unconditional love they would take me back, but then I would run again."
Bobbie, Grateful for unconditional love

"I didn’t know I had bipolar disorder until my husband’s doctor recognized it. I was in denial and ran out of his office. That was 10 years ago."
Adrienne, A Lesson Learned

"Usually, I couldn’t feel the change between the two extremes happening. It wasn't as if I would wake up and realize that I was entering the next manic phase. But I did start a predictable cycle of starting and stopping medicine."
Melinda, Understanding the illness

"This year I was suicidal again. I saw a commercial about bipolar disorder on TV went online, and took the Mood Disorder Questionnaire. Then I immediately made an appointment with a psychiatrist and have now been officially diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I started taking an anticonvulsant/mood stabilizer last week and already feel a huge difference."
Deirdre, Seeing everything clearly

"When I first went back on medication, I had to deal with a foggy brain for about two months till I adjusted, but now I am able to function fairly well. I have had a few times over the past 2 years when my symptoms (such as delusions) got worse and my medication had to be increased. There will always be bumps in the road, but it’s still a pretty good road."
Darlene, A Bumpy Road, but a Good Road

"Recovery was slow for me, but with the help of a knowledgeable doctor, a new medication, a number of supportive friends, one of my sons who never turned his back on me, daily psychotherapy sessions and group sessions large and small, I was able to return to health."
Chuck, "Open all night?"

"I spent two weeks with horrible side effects from stopping medication so quickly. I almost lost the baby. I found a new psychiatrist and started therapy, too, because meds alone NEVER cut it. With the support of my husband and his family, we are happily celebrating 7 months of pregnancy and stabilization of my disorder."
Louisa, Finally able to feel again

"..People are more accepting of my illness than they were when I was first diagnosed. I have very supportive friends and a family. At one time I thought I could never have those things. To this day, I still have my ups and downs, but now I carry hope through both."
Thomas, Hope through the Ups and Downs

"My advice to anyone suffering from depression or bipolar disorder is to never give up. Never, never give up. The right medication or the right doctor may be just around the corner."
Michael, Don't Quit Before the Miracle

"For 20 years I got drunk every day and slept a pretty consistent 3 hours a night for days at a time. I thought - doesn't everybody? Sometimes I'd get up at 4 a.m. and vacuum the cobwebs in the house. I couldn't understand my wife's problems with that."
Bill, Bipolar and Trying to Accept It

"I seemed to keep things together enough to win awards and appear to be successful and ambitious. I would sleep for 3 hours and feel completely rested. I could not understand how others had to sleep for 8 hours. At times I thought I was the greatest thing alive and then other times I believed I was worth nothing at all."
Michele, Acceptance, Honesty and Peace

"I've had three manic episodes. The last one was last summer. I remember once reading about a physician who was so manic that he bought three new cars in one day. Well... I bought a house..."
Winona, I finally got help.