From people around me, I get words of encouragement, words of praise and also words of concern. This is very new to me - I grew up feeling very lonely and often alone. I don’t know who I am or who I am supposed to be. I am supposed to be a daughter but I don’t feel I’ve ever had a real mother. I was a wife and that failed. I am supposed to be a mother, yet I use my only child as a crutch to carry on. I would like to be a leader, strong and self-assured, but who do I lead? I would like to leave a positive mark on this world but how can I when I can’t even pull myself out of this depression?

I am scared, afraid of failing my son as my mother failed me. Afraid my son has learned my poor habits and way of thinking, especially concerning money and the need for material things around us. I have spent most of my life surrounding myself with material things so I didn’t feel so empty and alone… only to make myself feel worse. I’ve worn so many masks to accommodate people and their needs that I’ve lost who I really am or even what I really want.

I feel like that branch stuck out in the water, caught in the flow but unable to get anywhere. Something keeps holding me back. For the branch it’s simple; it’s caught on a large rock. For me though, it’s not as simple - my thoughts and feelings, my upbringing, and my fears are so much more than one rock.

In general, it’s an all or nothing life I have been taught to live. I try to see the shades of gray or the beautiful colors, yet when I do I am deemed a daydreamer or a fool. I am terrified to release any anger, yet angry is how people perceive me. How do they see it so easily when I don’t? People have said they feel there's a wall of protection around me and they have difficulty getting in. Why can’t I see this wall? I feel I have shared my life openly and honestly and I have tried so hard to please people and make friends.

Having someone close who suffers similarly can be a great comfort, because they do understand. I have always believed in looking at a person for who they are, how well we get along and if we can grow together as friends. I have not considered their race, color, religion, size or sexual preference to be any determining factors in making my choices. I have taught my son to think and feel the same way.

I do worry about this wall of anger and protection people seem to see around me though. I am truly sorry if that is what they see regarding me. It’s no wonder those closer to me don’t know how to deal with me. It is things like this that cause me to want to just disappear into the woods somewhere, far from civilization with my little stream nearby and a couple horses I could ride anytime.

But I know that’s not practical and certainly not realistic for me. I am in this world and good or bad, I have made an impact on people’s lives. So what do I do now? Where do I go from here? So many questions and so far, few answers.

The warmth of the sun this afternoon is so wonderful. I enjoy sitting here on this stump just listening to the water and the sounds around me. The last remnants of winter clinging to the edge of the river across from me, those small clusters of icy snow. Everything is still shades of gray and brown until those little buds wake up to show their real colors.

Maybe someday I will be like those little buds and feel free enough to show my true colors.