Robert
Acceptance

I am a fifty year-old medical doctor who was diagnosed with bipolar disorder last year.  It has been difficult for me to accept the diagnosis despite the fact that I’ve received it before.  One of the psychiatrists in the program told me that it takes an average of seven years for an adult patient to accept a diagnosis of bipolar disorder.  I do have a long history of problems with recurrent, severe depression.  I was hospitalized for several months at the age of seventeen.  I was never sure exactly what my diagnosis was at that time, but I do recall the doctor suggesting he thought I had problems with depression and psychosis. 

I don’t recall ever having any psychotic episodes. I took medications but threw them away because of the side effects.  Things seemed to get a lot better when I went off to college, although I still had recurrent depressions.  I managed to get into medical school, get married and have three daughters.  I remember having a lot of spells when I would fire off multiple jokes at work or when I would stay up most of the night working on projects, my mind racing as it multitasked anything that caught my attention. 

During college I asked the student health psychiatrist prescribe a mood stabilizer for me, which he did with some reluctance.  I was searching for a way to stop the mood swings.  I didn't think it was doing me any good, so I quit taking it. 

My family history includes a father with marked mood swings and a tendency to make multiple extravagant purchases, and his mother was similar.  One of my sisters and one of my daughters are chronically hospitalized for psychiatric reasons.  My great grandfather was an alcoholic. 

After being faithful to my first wife for twenty years I had two affairs, which led to my divorce three years later.  I married the second woman, whom I thought would solve all my problems, but we ended up with a very stormy marriage.  My mood swings became intolerable.  I ended up self-prescribing an antidepressant, and took that plus a couple of pots of coffee in the morning to get going.  To settle down at night I would take any sedative I could get my hands on, which ultimately led me to rehab. 

Under close observation for ten weeks, I received the diagnosis of bipolar disorder for the first time in my life, after having seen dozens of therapists over the years. 

I am now taking three medications.  The mood swings and depression are gone.  It is hard to judge myself regarding any manic episodes.  I never considered manic episodes a problem.  I often felt great during them and got a lot of work done. 

My wife says I am a lot easier to live with today.  I am in an aftercare program and attend alcohol recovery meetings and counseling on a regular basis, and am employed full-time.  I think I will come out of this OK.