My home life was a good one. My parents were hardworking and religious. We lived in a small town where people were simple, generous and hardworking. As an adolescent I was very lonely and school was very stressful for me. I was smart but it was difficult for me to concentrate. The next twenty years of my life included many affairs, an eating disorder and workaholism. Only meditation and exercise really gave me relief from depression. I began to despair of ever marrying or having a normal life. I couldn't hold down any type of job except those that gave me high adrenaline rushes. I couldn't do office work. My most successful jobs were waitressing and social work because both had lots of high-energy type situations which took me out of myself and the depression. However, my last job as a social worker was so exhausting that I gradually burned out.

By that time I had PMS so severe that one week out of every month I could barely function. I wanted to eat chocolate and drink coffee all day just to keep going. I wasn't able to care for myself in a healthy way. I didn't eat right or exercise – two things I needed desperately to do to combat the depression.

Finally I collapsed. I couldn't work anymore. I was totally exhausted. I had found a very kind boyfriend who supported me through everything, and later we married. But before that, I spent a year in bed with fatigue, depression, and all sorts of respiratory problems. I remember that year as one of the darkest. I could not feel any pleasure in anything. I could not even do the laundry. Every little task seemed overwhelming to me.

Gradually, very slowly, with therapy and exercise I became to come out of that totally dark depression. I realized that I must change my life and try to take care of myself. I couldn't overwork. I couldn't binge on sugar and high-fat foods. I had to exercise. I had to stay away from situations, jobs and people that were high-stress.

I went to support groups to learn about my patterns. I changed my life completely. It took about five years before the fatigue lifted and the dark, dark depression began to have bigger and bigger windows.

My husband and I built a successful business and a beautiful home. I made friends. I made exercise a regular part of my life, riding horses, hiking, and going to the gym. I had spent years in therapy examining and resolving my issues. But I still battled highs and lows. Now I know I have a chemical imbalance especially strong in the autumn and winter months.

Finally, I took medication for six months and it relieved my symptoms so dramatically. My husband said I was a different person. He really encouraged me. Unfortunately I didn't like the side effects: sleepiness, some stomach problems, lack of libido, and reduction of my creativity, and loss of some of the highs I used to experience.

I had forgotten how depression felt. I went off the medication. Within two months I started to slip back into the dark thoughts, the over-sensitivity, the critical thoughts, the obsessive thoughts. All the side effects from the medication now seem minor compared to the symptoms of depression, and I'm going back on the medication. I now realize how true it is that I have a chemical disorder. Therapy helps but can never cure it. I need to take medication – I must face that.