Micki
Drinking and Moods

I was always a precocious kid - outspoken, intelligent, a good student.  My mother encouraged me to strive for more.  At the age of 12 my parents divorced - my father left us for another woman.  About this time, I started acting out; drinking, smoking pot, smoking cigarettes, skipping school, and almost failing 7th grade.  When I was 13, my mother first took me to a psychologist, who felt I was depressed, but would grow out of it.

My teen years were spent drinking, using drugs, having sex, and doing badly in school.  I had been kicked out of my mother’s house at 13, and moved in with my father and his wife.  They both drank to excess and used drugs.  Under the influence, my father would be physically abusive.  I was afraid of him many times.  He kept me frightened of him in order to make me behave; I was “difficult”. 

At 17, I first attempted suicide.  When my father saw what I had done, he told me that I was crazy, bandaged my wrists, and the incident was promptly forgotten.

At 19 I again went to a doctor at my mother’s prompting.  I was living with her again, and we would battle constantly about my drinking.  My moods raged up and down.  Again, I was diagnosed with depression.  I moved through the next 14 years using alcohol and drugs.  I had abusive relationships.  I also attempted suicide twice more.  When I was 33 and attending college I had a psychotic episode which scared both my mother and me.  I agreed to go and see the University doctor.

This health center doctor diagnosed me within minutes based on my history of behavior, moods and substance abuse.  He started me on a mood stabilizer.  Very soon my moods were stable, except of course when I drank or used drugs.  I was unable at that time to stop many of my destructive behaviors. 

After graduation, I moved to another state for a job.  I was feeling so good I stopped taking my meds, and continued drinking.  I was in a downward spiral and eventually hit a hard bottom. I was 35 years old, and drinking out of control…driving drunk, blacking out, missing work, having bad relationships, and alienating friends.  It all came to a head after I was put on an antidepressant because I was not sleeping and had not slept for more than three hours a night for almost four months.  I was filled with rage.  I phoned the nurse who had prescribed the medication and told her what was happening.  For all intents and purposes she brushed me off, telling me I was imagining it.

The next morning I woke up horribly hung over and ashamed.  I was completely hopeless, crying and hating myself.  I wanted so badly to end the pain I was feeling, escape from the constant and daily depression I had.  I phoned my therapist who suggested going to the ER.

At the ER,  I first had to convince the triage nurse that I was suicidal before anyone would see me.  I then lay on a gurney while it was figured out whether my insurance would cover hospitalization.  In the hospital, my moods raged out of control.  I was extremely angry, then completely miserable and crying.  After two weeks I had to leave and the hospital doctor advised me to go for alcohol treatment.

I spent the next two and a half weeks living in a house with other women who had drug and alcohol problems.  For the first time in a long time, I felt safe.  I did not have to deal with any reality other than the one at counseling or the house.  I was then informed that my insurance would no longer cover me and was immediately told to pack.  A friend came and picked me up and brought me to my apartment.  I immediately drove 100 miles to visit my mother for another week.  I did not want to be alone, and I felt so frightened.

Over the past three years I have struggled with my moods and suicidal ideation.  My medications have been changed several times, and I now feel my moods are under control most of the time.  I can even notice the swings, the hypomania and deep depression for what they are - symptoms.  This doesn’t make me any happier, but I know that the pain and thoughts will subside.  I am now sober, and taking my medication religiously.  I cannot imagine going back to where I was three years ago. 

Today I am no longer ashamed of my past.  I use my moods in a creative way - writing poetry, stories, working out.  There is hope, but it is hard to recognize at first.  But, I am so glad I made my way through all this and hope others can do so, too.