Matt
Getting Help for Myself

I don’t need help; I help people. Or so I thought. 

I had been depressed on and off for two years before I could bring myself to see a therapist. She was “not my style,” so to speak. So I stopped going after my second visit. I was embarrassed, ashamed, and felt like less of a person.

I had been in the fire service for 10 years at that point. Like I said, I help people, not the other way around. And I was tough. I was a tough fire guy. I couldn’t admit I needed help, because that’s a weakness, right?

I dealt with the depression on my own for another agonizing year. Depression was easy for me to hide, from everyone but myself.

I felt so bad I went to my physician. He prescribed some medication that threw me into a manic episode. I ended up taking a month off from work, not by choice. That was the best and worst month of my life. At the time, it was great. I looked back at the path of destruction I left and was glad I was still alive and not in jail. 

My first psychiatrist told me, “Don’t worry, you are not half as crazy as most of my patients!” I left and never went back to her. I dealt with my mental illness on a short term basis – when I felt bad, I went and saw the doctors. When I felt good, I stopped going. Doctors were expensive, even with insurance, and they were a constant reminder that I have a mental illness. 

This short-term approach cost me way too much. My life is too important to continue that way. I have too much going to throw it all away again. 

A long-term illness requires a long-term solution. I have found an excellent therapist; and now I am dedicated to looking for the right meds and the right psychiatrist. I believe I will find them.

Asking for help is not a weakness. I am stronger now than I have ever been.