Marie
The Medicine Cabinet

When I was seventeen I had my first manic episode.  I felt empowered and full of energy.  I felt like I was a whirling dervish.  I ran six miles on a busy highway, giving the peace sign to every passing car because I thought God had called me to spread peace throughout the world.  A day later I told my mother that my brother was an impostor.  I didn't believe that he was who he said he was. 

At that point I was on an antidepressant for depression.  Since I was nine, I had experienced days of depression.  I didn't just feel "blue".  I felt completely desolate.  I felt unloved despite a very loving family.  In high school I found drugs and alcohol and men.  I abused them all.  I have been hospitalized a number of times for full-blown mania and suicide attempts.  I have been on every cocktail of meds imaginable.  At one point, I believe I was on at least ten medications at once.  I hate taking meds, but I take them. 

I'm clean and sober now.  I haven't had a drink in six months and can honestly say, Hey!  My doctors were right all along.  Bipolar disorder is manageable and I can live a happy, fulfilling life if I stay on meds and see my psychotherapist regularly and I do not drink or drug.  And I feel good today!  And I like myself, I really do.  I don't have feelings of hopelessness and guilt and shame as much as I used to.  I don't have grandiose thoughts and ideas or stay up all night long.  I keep a regular, consistent sleep routine.  I exercise and I try to eat healthy.  I read everything I can about bipolar disorder. 

I'm 26 years old now and I haven't been hospitalized for almost a year now.  Sometimes I think the meds block out my memory though.  A lot of my life experiences are foggy due to being over-medicated or high and drunk.  But I have a new freedom today, a new happiness, and if I keep on doing what I've been doing, I will be okay!