I am 27 years old and I have reached a turning point in my battle with depression.

For most of my life, or at least for as long as I can remember, I have not felt completely happy with myself. I never really trusted people enough to have any close friends. When I was younger, boys picked on me to a point where I took it very personally. I seemed to take everything personally. I hated myself. I was scrawny, I blossomed late, and I had terrible acne. The only thing going for me was the fact that I was a good student. For a long time I thought of myself as an ugly nerd.

I had a couple of boyfriends, but they all broke up with me, and I blamed myself. When I was 19 I met someone and we went out for about a year. I didn't want to have sex, but one night he got drunk and he and 4 of his friends forced me to have sex with them. It was the most scared I have ever been in my life. I pressed charges, but only he served time – two months in county jail. I just assumed I had bad luck with guys and that no man could or would ever love me.

At 23 I met the man I married. One year into our marriage, his dependency on me became unbearable. He was constantly telling me how much he loved me and how beautiful I was. I hated it and I pushed him away. Eventually we divorced.

I found out about a depression screening and decided to go. The questionnaire asked a lot of questions but the one that stands out the most to me is, "In the past 2 months, have you thought about death or suicide?" I thought about it and answered honestly: I thought about it every day. The doctor who went over my questionnaire with me was, needless to say, very alarmed. They wanted me to check myself in overnight for observation, but I refused.

The doctor prescribed medication. I was very skeptical at first because I had always just believed that feelings of depression I had were just part of the person I was. My parents and my upbringing were excellent, and I always thought, what do I have to be depressed about?

Through talking with my therapist and taking my medications regularly, I found that I really was suffering from depression. Many people think depression is an occasional feeling of sadness or something that a "good cry" will cure. They are very wrong. Depression is much, much more than that. It can be passed down through family members, it can be brought on by a devastating incident in your life. You cannot just think happy thoughts and make it go away. It should not be taken lightly.

As I battled depression, I had to force myself to get off the couch on the weekends no matter how groggy I felt. I had to force myself to do things that seemed impossible, such as going for a walk, painting a room, cleaning my garage, going out with my sisters. Eventually those things just became a part of my life. In addition, every night when I went to bed I would listen to a 20 minute tape of motivating, self help words and every day I found something good about myself whenever I felt down. I really worked.

After almost 3 years of therapy, I found this web site and the same questionnaire I took at my screening in September 2000, and I cannot answer a single question with "yes." There are some days when I feel a little aggravated or sad about things, but it’s nothing that I can’t handle. I realize that I still have work to do, but it is becoming so much easier to look at myself and smile.