Because of the mess depression made of my life, I hope that anyone who suspects they may have depression will seek information - PLEASE. This illness is first and foremost a liar; it causes you to lie to yourself. It can take on many forms, but the result is always the same, a loss of quality living.

Being a man, it was and still is hard not to try to hide all of my emotions, except for anger. I had crying bouts too numerous too list, and went to the depths of despair because of my refusal to seek help despite my knowledge that I needed it. I told myself so many lies, slid into alcohol and drug use, and was abandoned by my "friends." This is still more than I can bear but at least I know that I'm not crazy.

I have come to realize that depression can last a lifetime if it isn’t treated, and that it can start early in life. Mistakes I made as a parent have been my biggest regrets, and have cost me the most. My uncontrollable anger, which became exacerbated as my despair grew, was shameful to say the least. My boys wanted their daddy to play outside with them and my seeming inability to get up off the couch except to go to work or bars was especially painful to everyone in my family.

Learning that there is a connection between alcoholism and depression was a godsend, but I wish I had known it a long time ago. I could expound on the last thirty years of loss of quality of life with stories of everything from not wanting sex {and losing my fiancé over it} to going to parties and feeling totally disconnected from everything and everyone because of my secrets, to a total lack of commitment to my job {and guilt over it}. The list seems endless when I look back, but instead of giving stories, I want to give hope.

If you are reading this and can relate, please understand that your "problem" may not be YOU, but may be an illness that is controlling your life. I urge anyone who is feeling like they "can't seem to handle life" to at least read up on the subject of depression, and know there are treatments available that can possibly change your life. But whatever you do, DO SOMETHING, stop the lies that depression feeds you. I am not out of the woods yet there is a lot of destruction that has been caused, but at least I understand that I have an illness and that it can happen to anyone.