I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder about 4 years ago. Prior to that I was treated for depression only, and taking antidepressants alone was disastrous for me. I have learned since than how to deal with my low lows, but I am most grateful that I have no more high highs. My current combination of a mood stabilizer and an antipsychotic has been great.

On a personal note, for a long time I was embarrassed to talk to friends and family about how I was feeling, but I’m not anymore. I tell them honestly, yes I have suicidal thoughts, but they are only thoughts. I don't know if they will ever go away, but I will not act on them. They go "in one ear and out the other." By being honest about my feelings, I can get a sense of empowerment and the people I care about can get a small look at how it feels to be me. I also tell them my successes. I work very hard to keep myself focused on one task – my illness can make something as small as cleaning my bathroom take half the day or not get done at all because I so easily get distracted. I work very hard to stay on task. The same goes for shopping, reading, and other things I need to do for myself. I pay attention to triggers in my environment. When I'm feeling depressed, I watch funny stuff on TV instead of sad stuff; or if I haven’t cried in a long time, I'll cry my eyes out for a few hours, and it makes me feel better.

I’ve wrecked a lot of relationships. I’ve hurt myself and others, and until just recently I’ve lived with an enormous amount of guilt. Then at long last, I finally decided to forgive myself. I can’t fix or take back any of my past mistakes, but by golly, I can move on, and I can and will have a better life. I have only just begun to learn that the people I thought would hate me forever never really hated me in the first place, and actually like me. This disease is not easy to live with - it takes a constant effort to not let it get you. Thank goodness for my doctor and for treatment research.