Jill
The gift of awareness

Four months ago I had a somewhat normal life. At least it seemed normal to me. I'm 16, in my junior year of high school, the time when I’m supposed to be focused on doing my best in school for colleges. Everything was great. I was really getting into shape - almost the best shape of my life. I was feeling extremely bright. Answers would come out of my mouth without any thought. I spoke extremely fast. I never completed a thought. I had non-stop energy.

I hadn't noticed that part of me wasn't really healthy. I also hadn't noticed that I had been eating less and less. It all came down to one week when everything blew up. I wasn't sleeping at all -- I'm talking about 3 or 4 straight days without sleep. And I didn't even know it! I didn't need the sleep. I hadn't eaten for about 2 days, either. I had no idea of what was really going on around me. I had extreme grandiose ideas about myself that week and I just started to jump to conclusions about everything I heard. Everything people said had a hidden subtext to me. I thought I was playing some sort of mind game with everything.

It got to the point where my friends at school were too scared to say something because they didn't know what to do. Everyone in my school knew something was up. I just drew attention to myself. I was in such another world that I made up this whole story about what I believed was going on. I thought I was in a movie and that I was going to get my big break. I lived everything like it was just "pretend."

My mother took me to the hospital because I got in a huge fight with her. I thought I was in a movie scene with a drunken mother and mad child. My mother isn't an alcoholic - I was dreaming this all up. She took me to the hospital. Through the entire experience, I still thought I was in a movie. I was hallucinating too - I thought I saw people who were extras in the film.

At the hospital I was given some medication, and I finally slept. W hen I woke up, I was on the psych ward. The first few days there, though the sleep had helped me a little, I was still in denial. I never really believed the doctors when they told what I had done and said. I claimed I was on LSD, ecstasy, and cocaine. I've never once tried those drugs.

Over the 10 days I was in the hospital, things became much clearer. Obviously, they put me on medication. And I ate like I’d never eaten before, which made me gain a lot of weight back. I went to a transitional school before I went back to my high school – all of this was a lot to take on at this point in my life.

The medications I was first on slowed me down so much. I couldn't think. I was like a log - I just sat there. It felt as though nothing at all was going through my head. Eventually my doctors took me off one of the medications and I continued taking just a mood stabilizer, which made me feel more comfortable.

My life is completely different now. I'm back at my high school. I'm doing all right on grades. I'm thinking faster now. Once in a while I'll feel a little more excitement or perhaps a little more down. I know that I have bipolar disorder. It doesn't control me though -- I control it. My therapist and I have come to a conclusion that hey, there are positive things about this disorder. You can still have the good things that come with it and use them well. This disorder has always been a part of me, I just didn't know it. My episode gave me one great gift - the gift of awareness.

I’ve told all of my friends I have this illness, though I don't tell everyone I meet. But I'm not ashamed. Hey! It makes you special! If you think about it, anyone can be diagnosed with something. No one's perfect.