Hollie 
Find just one thing that makes life worth living

I had low-grade depression most of my life, except for a couple years in adolescence when I was probably clinically depressed.  Then, my third year in college, I moved out into an apartment with a friend.  We got along great, and I enjoyed school and my job.  I thought that I would make a lot of progress by being away from home.  I was wrong.

I started having passing thoughts of suicide.  It scared me just that I was having those thoughts.  I am a Christian, and I strongly believe that God put me here for a purpose.  I called a counseling center because I was scared that I would act on my thoughts.  I grew very attached to my counselor.  I would be very depressed for weeks at a time, and then things would be fine.  I would do well at school and have normal relationships with my friends, until the depression returned.  After three months, my counselor recommended that I see a psychiatrist.  I was diagnosed with major depression. 

The following months were dark ones for me.  I no longer cycled out of the depression to phases of being “okay’’.  I just kept getting more and more depressed.  I was put on a mild antidepressant.  I could see no effects of it except that I lost weight.  Six months later, I was severely depressed and desperate.  Toward the end of that month, I overdosed in an attempt to commit suicide, and I was put in a psychiatric hospital.

The month or so following my overdose was a hopeful time for me.  I changed counselors again and my family rallied around me, offering the support I longed for.  Everyone found out how depressed I had been and worked to help me get better.  I was put on a larger dose of a different antidepressant…

Then things began to get interesting!  I now know that what happened is that my new medication sent me into rapid cycling.  I had all the typical symptoms.  I finally told my counselor about it, and she suggested bipolar disorder.  I had heard of it before, and I had suspected it myself.  When I told my psychiatrist about my cycling, he gave me the official diagnosis of bipolar II disorder.

My journey did not end there.  I was put on more appropriate medication, but it did not work.  I began cutting myself because of the deep pain that I could never find rest from.  I was hospitalized at that point and several other times.  Some of the medications that my various doctors tried would work, but the side effects would be intolerable.

Finally, about two years ago, I was put on a mix of meds that seems to work for me… most of the time.  I have had three serious relapses.  Two of those times I was re-hospitalized.  But my recovery has been quicker every time.

During all this time, my spiritual life cycled as quickly as my emotions.  It confuses me to this day as to whether it is okay for my illness to affect my relationship with God, or if I should be completely devoted regardless of the way I feel.  I do know one thing, though.  God has always been faithful to me, and He has shown me SO MUCH about His grace.

My counseling sessions have helped me a great deal with issues related to my illness, including my spirituality.  I would definitely have attempted suicide many more times without my counselor there to talk me through it.  I have learned how to manage my illness and how to cope with other aspects of my life that affect my illness.

If I had to offer just one piece of advice to others, it would be this.  When you are in despair, find just one thing that makes life worth living.  I started doing this when I was suicidal, but it works for my cutting episodes, too.  I believe that God is ALWAYS there, ready to carry us through crises, but I have to admit, that has not always been enough for me.  I sometimes look at pictures of my niece and nephew, and think, I don’t want these two precious people to have to find out that their aunt ruined her life when she was 25.  I am going to be a special education teacher, so other times, I will think of those children I will teach in the future and how I want to touch their lives.  Whatever it is for you, just think of one thing that will keep you trying.  Know that there will always be struggles, but God has a purpose for you being on earth.  Keep pursuing that.