Heather
Being "normal"

I always felt that I was different growing up. At age 12, I made the first of many attempts at suicide. I am now 33 and I've had countless therapists, counselors and doctors. I would always end up feeling that they had given up on me, so I would give up on them, on therapy, on any hope of recovery, and on myself.

About 4 years ago it finally dawned on me. I was wasting all this time thinking that I was supposed to be happy, perfect and "normal." Why? I have a disease called bipolar disorder. I’m experiencing every "normal" emotion "perfectly" for someone with my disease. I act like a person with bipolar disorder. That's the way I was born and meant to be so why was I wasting all this energy trying to avoid or fix it? Well, I stopped.

I am who I am. I'm going to be depressed, then manic. I'm going to flip through several emotions within a day. I'm going to have episodes of not being able to control myself. So, with that in mind, I've stopped fighting. So what if I get the sudden urge to cry or suddenly want to paint every room in my house? I'm supposed to - I have bipolar disorder.

This realization was a tremendous relief to me. I'm so much happier and balanced now. I still have the illness but I feel much better about having it. I'm still learning to let go of the guilt associated with having it. I still have good days and bad ones, but I can now redirect my energy into doing more positive things for myself and not fretting and worrying about why I have bipolar disorder and how I need to fix it.

I'm still in the process of recovery and learning to live with my illness. I still have periods of refusing to take my medications, or not being able to leave my house, or spending money on anything for any reason, or not having any type of sleep routine, and I still hope for a cure. These are all "normal" bipolar behaviors. Today I’m able to be realistic about them.