Eileen
A work in Progress

I am 22 years old, and have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder since age 17. I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and depression first, but as soon as I was hospitalized for a manic episode, my diagnosis changed.

My experience with medications has been a roller coaster, because, how do I know how I am "supposed" to feel? I feel so confused, but who knows what lies ahead? I am glad so many people out there are comfortable enough to share their stories, because for a long time, I felt no one truly understood how I felt. It is comforting to know that someone understands.

My father has some of the same symptoms I do, but he has never gotten any help. He believes my illness is all in my head and I can control it. I don’t blame him for feeling that way. I believed I could control my own symptoms for a long time, too. I even quit my medication for a whole year, but after my latest episode, I know better. I guess I can’t really expect my family to understand how I feel. They haven’t been where I am.

As a child, I knew something was different, but I just didn’t know what it was. I figured that if something was the matter with me, my parents would know, which they didn’t. I always got in trouble for my "attitude problem," and I have been trying to deal with my impatience for my entire life. The anger that seems to come from nowhere is what truly scares me. I didn’t even know these things were symptoms of bipolar disorder until this year, and I was diagnosed a few years ago.

After my second hospital stay, I was so scared. I had so many questions. What will my life be like? Who can I vent my feelings to? What should I do about the anger? Why can’t those who love me just understand? What will each day will bring? Will ever feel "ok," like people who don’t have this illness do? I’m grateful to the doctors who take the time to explain things, and relieved that I finally had the courage to speak the truth to them.