Debra
Fighting the Circle of Shame

The stigma of bipolar disorder not only affects the person with the illness, it pulls the family members into a painful circle of shame.  No matter how much I tell my nine-year-old daughter who has bipolar disorder that she does not have to be ashamed of her illness, our family still seems to become more and more isolated.  Every time she makes a new friend, my mind begins do a count-down to the end of the friendship.

Even though I try to explain to her friend's parent(s) about the mood swings and rages, their patience almost always runs out with my daughter.  For example, my daughter became fast friends with my neighbor's nine-year-old daughter.  I was so happy.  I thought that maybe my daughter would finally have a friend.  Things went smoothly until one day my daughter went into a screaming rage.  The friend was baffled by her behavior and a little bit scared too.  Now, when my daughter wants to do an activity with the neighbor's daughter, she always gives my daughter a polite excuse for not being able to join her. I realize that she's just a child.  She probably thinks she's sparing my daughter's feelings, but every rejection is like another brick of stigma.  It breaks my heart as her mother, because I love my daughter with all my heart.  There's no greater pain than to feel unloved.

I think sometimes I do my self a disservice by trying too hard to be a good soldier and suck up all the hurt of isolation.  It's hard to hold your head up high when your child is having a manic episode at school in front of all her classmates and teachers.  As a parent you get the "I wouldn't take that crap from my kid" look from other parents. I just continue to walk both of my daughters the four blocks from school to home when this happens.

Because my daughter has a disability that's internal, it's difficult for people to understand that she has an illness.  Oftentimes, her rages are mistaken for bad behavior and other parents don't want their child "picking up any of her bad habits.” Consequently, as her mother I feel isolated.  I know that people like me and enjoy my company on the condition that they don't have to deal with my mentally ill child.  I feel lost and it is my prayer that the unconditional love that I try to give my daughter will find its way back to me from a friend.