Christina
The First Step

I believe that I have had bipolar disorder since as far back as I can remember.  As a child I can remember feeling so angry I wanted to hurt myself and others, I felt so depressed that I wanted to die and believed life wasn't worth living.  As I grew up, I suffered psychoses; I would see demons in my room or smell things that weren't there like smoke or flowers.  I would have panic attacks all the time and would find myself screaming inside, afraid that people would think I was strange if I did it out loud.  I was afraid and sometimes I didn't know why. 

I was a very active teenager.  I was the life of the party, and everyone was friends with me, at least when I was manic.  I joined advanced choir, band, track and cross country teams and the JROTC at my high school. I also worked during the school week. I was an over-achiever in every way.

I joined the Marine Corps at 17 to see the world and what it had to offer me.  I wanted to outsmart, outrun and outmaneuver every man I ran into.  I was a great Marine and I think being manic helped. But it was the depressions that eventually cost me my promotions and my job.  I ended up getting out of the service a year after going into due to an unplanned pregnancy.  The father struggled with a mood disorder as well so he was not in the picture.  I went back into the Marine Corps a few months after my son was born in an attempt to finish what I had started. I did well again until another I had severe episode of depression and several manic episodes.  A pregnancy with twins ended my Marine career for the last time. 

I got married to my best friend (also a Marine) six months after I had my son.  To this day still do not understand why he is still married to me. I have put him through hell.  About a year into our marriage, I was constantly irritated and just plain witchy all the time. I was sex-driven and if he told me no I would become verbally abusive and physically violent with him. 

I remember sitting on top of him, punching him in his chest and ribs and face, screaming at him to make love to me.  Reflecting back now, I wouldn't have made love to me.  I don’t know what I expected to accomplish by beating my husband, but I was enraged and hurt. I started to cry that night after I hurt my husband.  I wondered what was causing me to be so evil and mean. I knew I could be bright, fun and intelligent.  Yet I was this monster inside too.  I was scared to tell the truth. 

After I had five children, made two attempts on my life, and was threatened with divorce, I finally sought help for myself.  I went to a therapist, terrified that I would lose my children because I had a mental illness. I found out that I did, in fact, have bipolar disorder and that it was treatable with medications.  Today I take my medications everyday like I am supposed to and doing well. 

I am now in school to become a RN and have gotten excellent grades so far.  I enjoy what I do.  I love my children and my husband who is still married to me!  I have a bipolar child, well actually 3 bipolar children and still not sure about the other 2 yet, but they are being treated for their illness early so that they don't have to go through the hell I did as a child with bipolar disorder. 

I believe that the diagnosis of bipolar disorder is the first step to developing a plan that will save your life, uplift your soul and rescue you from the confusion and despair of this debilitating disorder. If you suspect you have the illness consult a therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist as soon as you can. If someone you know is suffering from this disorder, please be patient with them and help them find help.