Chris
Nobody ever gave up on me

My story begins before I can really remember. Starting around the age of four, I had violent fits. I was constantly fighting with my brothers and sister. This wasn't just sibling rivalry - there were times when I (a four year old!) had to be restrained. I still have trouble hearing some of the stories about me.

Very early in my childhood, I started playing with fire, which was kind of weird because my mother is a firefighter. When I started school there were immediate problems. I just didn't get along with other kids. The public school put up with it until 2nd grade. By then my teacher had me boxed in with bookcases in the corner of the classroom. In second grade I started to go to classes in the 3rd and 4th grades. Eventually I skipped 3rd grade and was moved to a behavioral disorder (BD) class run by the Special Education staff. There I got into even more fights. I had a lot of problems with teachers and was constantly getting suspended.

Around this time, I started seeing a psychiatrist who gave me a diagnosis of oppositional defiant disorder (ODD). I was given medications, none of which worked. I went to junior high after being tutored through the end of my fifth grade year because of an expulsion. During junior high I was in another BD class. This meant interaction with other BD kids. This system doesn't work. I was suspended and expelled many times. A good majority of the time I was removed from the school by police. I then went to a special needs school, which was like a prison, and not appropriate for any kid. It was just a convenience for teachers because they were able to lock us up in a bare room. I was locked in the bare room quite a few times.

I was led to see a new psychiatrist by a counselor, and this psychiatrist diagnosed me with ultra-rapid cycling bipolar disorder, which basically means your mood cycles change at least four times a year. Mine change probably every month or so. My new psychiatrist put me on a combination of an antidepressant, an antipsychotic, and a mood stabilizer. I went through several medication changes and have finally found a set that really works.

I was a very ill person. I now see the light and have my thoughts and opinions clear. I don't have normal cycles. I have my bad days once in a while. But I can be around people, and people can be around me. I never had that before. I am very clear now and think like an experienced person.

There is hope. A good set of medications and therapy do wonders. I still don't think anyone who is not ill can fully understand. This is an illness of the brain. An ill person cannot help it. The transmitters and receptors in the brain don't really allow choice. I just appreciate that nobody ever gave up on me. They really would have had reason to.