Having suffered from many years of major depressive episodes, two mental health therapists who left their practices while I was in their care and two medical doctors who misdiagnosed my problem, I am now in the hands of a wonderful psychiatrist who has worked with me closely to prescribe and fine tune a successful combination of several medications.

Suicide was always in my thoughts, sometimes in the margins, but always there. Some days I could do nothing but sit and cry. Breathing itself was an effort. I felt immobile, frozen in place. The pain of living was immeasurable. I tried to find a place to put the pain and found none. It was not so much that I wanted to kill myself – I just wanted to be dead (a fine-line difference) I just needed relief from the constant and growing pain and didn’t know what relief was available to me.

As a recovering alcoholic of 20+ years my mind refused to allow me to find solace in drink or drugs. I still needed my self respect and my honor. At least I would have that to take with me. I white knuckled it through so many months and years like this. But the thought of my son, who I adore, being hurt by my actions, not understanding, always kept me from getting the gun ready.

I was hospitalized once this past year for 8 days. The "meltdown" came hard and fast in spite of my and my psychiatrist's best efforts. But with some changes in medication I am improved and, as they say, "Taking it one day at a time." For years I denied having a problem, then when I did finally seek help, I refused any medication, until they threatened to "Baker Act"* me if I didn't start taking it.

Looking back, all of it helped in spite of my resistance. And after all of the trial-and-error I have learned some invaluable lessons: Seek professional help and take your medications as prescribed. Professionals can help you, but only if you let them, and you MUST do your part. Work with them as they work FOR you -for YOUR future health and well-being. It is all there for you... just let yourself be shown the way.

*Baker Act: A state law that deals with involuntary treatment.