Arthur
The world will NOT be a better place without you

I am 42 years old.  For almost as long as I can remember I have suffered from incredible mood swings from terrible depression to complete euphoria.  I started to contemplate suicide when I was only around 11 or 12.  By the end of my sophomore year in high school, I thought I knew it all.  I felt invincible and on top of the world.  I decided to quit school, leave home and get married.

My life continued in turmoil until I was 29.  Despite my mood swings, I was still happily married, owned a nice home, had two great boys and was the youngest person to become a Vice President at the large sales organization where I worked.  Although I had proven everyone wrong and made something of myself, I felt that needed to kill myself to escape the horror that filled me.

This is when I finally was hospitalized in a psychiatric hospital.  I had escaped death and an attempt to commit suicide for a second time.  My life would soon change forever.  I was in that place for a month that felt like a year.  Looking back, the staff were wonderful and caring people, but it was a nightmare while it was happening to me.  The fear that goes through you when those double doors lock behind you, the humility of stripping down and having strangers search through your personal items for “sharps”… 

Things got worse as the doctors struggled to find a suitable prescription to help me.  Staff was soon at my side 24-7; I was on suicide watch, and for good reason.  They watched me eat, sleep and everything else.  To have your family visit you in that place felt so shameful, but the staff did their job and kept me here among the living.

At some point they finally diagnosed me with bipolar disorder.  One doctor was kind enough to admit that I was an especially difficult case and convinced a research specialist to evaluate me.  That doctor is still my doctor today.  He is one of a group of researchers working on a large study of bipolar disorder.  I am treatment-resistant and many folks like me eventually commit suicide.  But I am living proof that a person can survive this nightmare.  My doctor has prescribed me trial medications and experimented with new treatment techniques.  We may never fully control my symptoms, but today my life is better than ever before.

I put my story into words so that others can read that they do not have to be ashamed and that the pain can be taken away.  I want to help people and reach out to others suffering with similar problems, but I don’t know how to help.  I understand the pain and shame that can afflict people and I want them to know that things can get better.