I was diagnosed with rapid cycling bipolar disorder about six years ago.  I was a promising junior at a well-known university when I became psychotic.  I was immediately hospitalized, and no one knew what was wrong with me since I couldn’t even speak.  Looking back, I was obviously manic.  I was having grandiose delusions and thought I had to save the world.  It took close to a year for the delusions to end.  When they did, I became depressed.  I was very upset when I realized that my delusions weren’t real, and that everything I had worked for was gone.

I spent three years of my early twenties living in a nursing home.  I was also hospitalized more than twenty times.  I wasn’t as sick as most people thought I was.  But being mentally ill was my new identity.  I’m sure I exaggerated many of my symptoms.  I always wanted to be good at whatever I did.  Eighteen months ago, I went off all five of my medications at once.  I wanted to go off of them slowly, but my doctor refused to do this.  He also refused to see me anymore afterwards.  He also warned me that there was a 99% chance that I would become psychotic again within the next twelve months.  I tried to see another psychiatrist, but the County psychiatrists would not see someone who was not on any medications.  I wish someone had warned me how severe the physical withdrawal symptoms from these medications would be.

I have been off all medications for 18 months now.  I have had no relapses.  I have been more mentally healthy in the past year and a half than I have been in my life.  I still have ups and downs, but they are nowhere near debilitating.  I always maintain control and I never give up.  I am much happier not being over-medicated and feeling like a zombie, and I have my passion back instead of being stuck in a state of having no desire to change anything.      

I realize that I will always be different from the “normal” person.  Sometimes I have a lot of motivation, and other times I don’t.  I am also more emotional than most people.  However, these characteristics are part of my personality, and I am happier with them than without them.  If my moods ever take over my life again, I have no problem with going back on medication. 

I strongly believe I could have gotten better a lot sooner.  My medical insurance would never cover a therapist.  No one spent much time talking to me individually.  My insurance had no problem covering many medications or ECT treatments.  I went to several group therapies when I was living at the nursing home and spent most of the time making collages.  My treatment focused on getting through each day and not on making any permanent changes.  When I wanted to move out of the nursing home, it seemed as if everyone I knew was against me doing so.

I believe the only reason I got better is because I made a decision to get better and worked at it.  For many years, I had no motivation to get better.  The world outside my illness looked no better than the world I was in.  At least I was safe and allowed to be as “crazy” as I wanted to be.  Several months after I met my husband, I found motivation to live a more normal life.  For me to get better, I had to refuse to let my moods take over my life ever again.  That was the beginning of getting better.  Some people who are diagnosed with serious mental illnesses (though a minority) can recover completely and never have another relapse.

I am now six months pregnant and I have successfully dealt with many stresses in my life.  I have had to deal with many hurtful comments from mostly mental health professionals about becoming pregnant.  Among the many unsolicited comments I have received is that I would be immoral to reproduce since my offspring would certainly be mentally ill, and I would probably “beat my children when I got stressed out.”  (I have never in my life been violent nor threatened violence.)  One close relative told me that she would call a lawyer once my baby was born and have the baby immediately taken away.  Incidents like this are why I try not to tell anyone about my diagnosis.  Fortunately, this relative has become much more positive about my pregnancy since I’ve “proven” my stability.

I have completed more college since being off medicine, but it has been very difficult to find employment with a huge gap in my work history.  I am fortunate to have disability income, but I feel that I am no longer disabled.  Sometimes I wonder where my life would be had I never gotten sick.  I probably would have completed college and be in a much better place financially.  I certainly wouldn’t have to deal with this never-ending stigma.  I probably also would have had a much more satisfying early adulthood.  Some things you can’t get back.

I would not advise anyone to go off their medications.  My husband takes medications and he needs to be on them.  It wasn’t going off medications that made me better.  While I was certainly overmedicated, I got better once I decided I would not let my illness define me.  Not everyone with a serious mental illness is able to make a decision and get better.  But some people can.  For those people, don’t let your diagnosis be your identity, and never let anyone tell you that you will always be sick or that you’re unable to have a real, satisfying life.  Have faith that you can get better.