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Alison
Learning to Live with Myself
Twenty-two years ago, I was
diagnosed with postpartum depression after the birth of my second child
when I was 24 years old. I was also suffering from PTSD since my parents
had been killed two years earlier. I was just recently diagnosed with
bipolar disorder. I didn’t realize that staying up all night for two
nights a week and not being tired the next day was strange. In fact, I
was proud of all of my energy and accomplishments.
I made several suicide attempts during the first
horrible depression at 24. I have had PMS-related depression since then,
but didn’t turn into clinical depression until another tragic death of
someone close to me occurred and I was once again treated with
antidepressants. I knew I felt better, but didn’t quite get it that
buying land in 23 states and depleting my life savings doing so were not
normal! I thought I was "destined" to be the biggest land
baroness in the world! I ended up back in the hospital after a huge
depressive episode and suicide plans a few months ago. It was only then
that I was diagnosed with a classic case of bipolar disorder. I’m now
on a new medication and it is helping. I’m scared and frustrated by
the time needed to adjust and every day I wonder if I can keep working.
I look back at things I did in manic states: graduate
from college in three years, manage three businesses myself, raise many
animals, keep two kids involved in sports full-time as a single mom…
Ping-ponging back and forth between feeling like superwoman and feeling
like the scum of the earth took a huge toll on me. Hopefully it hasn’t
created any hidden health problems. Today I can relax and slow down,
even pull over when necessary. I know thinking of suicide all day isn’t
my normal state of mind, and that when those thoughts come in, the
biochemical swing has already started and I need to get help quickly.
My advice to everyone is, take care of yourself and
keep working to find the right treatment. You are worth it!
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